My company helps pay for parking for employees. We don’t cover the whole thing, but there’s a decent stipend that’s given out to everyone who doesn’t have a designated parking spot. As an employee of the business, awesome. As the person in charge of it all, fuck everyone. But I won’t get into it because it’s just useless whining about how I get paid more than I should be to do highly menial jobs around a spa with all the pomp and circumstance of calling myself the Director of Operations.
Part of the scheme of this job I’m tasked with, is that people give me their empty parking passes. To make sure they are empty (Oh my God, right? They give me cards back actual money on it. Like, I gave you money. Fucking use it. Whatever). The easiest way for me to do this is to go out and check it in the meters. The closest one to my office is across the street.
I actually like getting outside during the day. I’m never really outside from 11 am – 6 pm. It’s always a startling realization, but entirely surprising. Does that make sense? I think about the sun and I burn, so it’s obvious I avoid it.
Anyway, I got the street corner. The crosswalk light was red. With nothing else to do, I looked to see what sorts of cars were coming. There was a bus approaching. And in one brief second, my brain’s natural course of thought went, “Bus is coming, step into the street now.” I took a genuine step towards the curb before I stopped myself. Whoa, what?
I should be more concerned or terrified that in that situation, my brain sees a bus and without needing to be convinced tells my body to move into the street. That’s messed up. I should be concerned for myself, but really I’m a little baffled. Maybe it hasn’t officially hit me yet? Maybe I don’t understand what went on, yet. Is it possible to talk about it without grasping what happened?
It’s hyper bizarre though. My body’s natural reaction was for self-harm. How did this become me? At what point did this happen, or have I been this person for so long that the turning part is too long ago to remember?
I should have a more emotional reaction than that. I know that. I’m super tired this week, potentially I’m in a downswing. I don’t want to think about that though. I don’t even want to end on a meaningful note. This is why I’m bad at talking to people. I don’t know how to end conversations or say bye. Literally, I tell people either, “Well, I have nothing else to say, so bye,” or “I’m going to super casually walk away now.”
I’m going to super casually walk away now.