I was going to be real fucking cool and write a post based on the question “How does that make you feel?” It wasn’t going to make me better, but it was going to look like this blog was fucking pulled together, but I’m not going to do that anymore. I’m too anxious to do that.
Arguably this is my fault, but someone in China tried to hijack my Facebook account. I got a notification and then Facebook had me change my password. That happened early yesterday morning. Last night, someone logged me out of my Instagram. They didn’t change the password. I did after I logged back in. I was tinkering with my phone settings, so maybe I inadvertently did it? Everything that’s trying to keep me sane and rational is saying it’s a possibility, but reality is fucking drawling, “That doesn’t happen in real life. You didn’t log you out, so someone else had to. You don’t just randomly get logged out. It’s never happened before.”
And I know I’m probably to blame. I was looking up shit on my phone that I shouldn’t have been. I clicked on that stupid link without thinking. Identity theft doesn’t happen to me. It happens to other people. EXCEPT, someone has some information on me. Someone in China knows I exist, which causes anxiety on different levels. What really freaks me out is that I do all of my banking on my phone. I don’t know enough about technology to know if my phone is safe. I’ve been checking my bank accounts every hour to make sure no random charges are applied. Should I get my credit score? Should I wait a couple of weeks before I get it to give them a chance to make charges? That sounds weird, but hear me out. If I get it now and then they make charges later, I’ll have assured myself everything’s okay when it really isn’t.
Basically, I’m fucked. Even if my identity is safe, I’m in a downward spiral of anxiety. My stomach is beginning to have that acid-y, shredded feeling. I’m losing sleep. Shame is creeping up my spine. I want to lash out in jokes, like, “ha ha I can laugh this off. Ha. HA. HAHAHA.” *insane laughter intensifies* This is not like a presentation. There’s no definite end where I’ll feel better after the big event. The big event might not happen. Or, it will and it’s just going to be an outright fecal blizzard for probably years, and it will be something that haunts me for the rest of my life. Barring that I don’t do anything stupid, that’s several decades.
I just don’t have the time or strength to deal with it. And, I’m Lutheran. I trust in God, but also I’m a bit of a sinful twat. I know I should just trust in God, and I wish I could do so with blissful abandon. But part of me is like, being a Christian doesn’t mean everything is fluffy and wonderful and perfect. Sometimes it means you’re brought pretty low to rely more fully on God. What if He’s trying to get me to rely more on Him? I’m not ready for that. Can’t we skip the test and just have an open book quiz instead? I’m a terrible Christian. I’m working on it. In theory. Whatever.
I still have a ten hour work day to muddle through that involves one meeting, two interviews, and someone’s annual review that won’t be pretty and I’m the one leading it. Can I just starting screaming now, or is it like drinking where you should probably wait until after noon so you don’t feel quite as shameful? Or is it five? I can’t remember.
Think fondly of me as I wallow in my own despair.